i'm scared

  Ok, I accidentally brought this on myself, but I'm really scared. I am becoming depressed again. It was caused by a book I'm reading, called Impulse by Ellen Hopkins. It's a poetry book about kids who tried to commit suicide. One of the characters, Vanessa, is pretty much me. She's smart, has my same hair color, eye color, crazy family deal, had an abortion. (I haven't had one, but that's a long story I don't want to talk about.) And she's a cutter. I don't cut, at least not at the moment, but instead I'm heavily into vein tracing.
  Vein tracing doesn't sound like a big deal, but for some reason, it is. All I do is grab a red pen and trace the veins on my arm. It doesn't give me a rush, but it calms me down and makes me feel a bit better. And my arms are red for days. But I'm pretty close to becoming completely addicted to it. I don't even know why this is addicting, but it is. And every time I do it, I'm getting closer to being a cutter.
  Back to the book. I've already read it once, and the girl turns out okay. She's diagnosed bipolar, which is how I feel, and she falls in love, which I'm on the verge of. I told myself I would be okay if she was, but I still feel like the guy who jumped off a cliff at the end of the book.
  I've been in depression really heavily before, but for some reason I'm more afraid of this bout. For some reason, I don't think I'll live through it this time. And if I do live, I don't think I'll come out of it very well.
  If there is a happier note after that, I do have a few okay things to talk about. The first is that Zeegan recommended me for peer mediation. That means I get out of class, which I can do easily, to help kids with their problems. It sounds like fun, and I'm actually excited for it.
  The other is that while I was writing another angry poem in my notebook, Mrs. Bryant said that I got the best score in all her classes on the Gates MacGinitie test. I guess that means that I'm remotely good at reading.
  Some other subjects...in math someone wrote on the board that I'm emo, and I made fun of Michael Savas for writing like a girl...we also did retardo puppet shows.
  Notice that I'm avoiding the subject of school. There's only four more days, which should be a happy thing. But I've been a lot less depressed in school until now, and that means that I won't see a certain someone for a whole summer. I think I'll die. Okay, I've done enough talking for today.

fun at school! (wow)

Ok, so school is actually pretty fun now. M and I have schedules that are rigged so that we can see each other between every class if we want to, and we usually do. I see him and talk to him a lot.

A surprisingly fun class is Music. I sit by Steve, who comes up with this awful British accent. I promised him that if he would stop it for three days, I would do my accent for him. Now Steve, Sterling, and Andy bug me all the time to hear it.
  
I guess the reason that I like school now, now that I only have to go back fourteen times, is that I'm having a lot more fun socially, like at the end of the school day. I already have my backpack, so I'll walk towards M's locker. We'll walk to his band class, out the door, and around to the front where his mom picks him up. Then I'll go back into school on the other side towards M's locker again and meet up with Sterling, Andy, and Steve. We'll flip around, and I'll either go home by the busses only sign or I'll flip back again and catch up with Tina, Amy, Brooke, or Juls.
  
At the beginning of the year, I had no friends. Now I have too many. It's fun, though, because it's almost like I get high off them. When I'm walking home I'm really happy because I feel like I've actually done something and had fun.