since i've already written once today...

  I guess I'll write about yesterday which was a really awesome day. The second to last day is always sluff day, but I had a stupid science test that day. I was angry.
  In first period, Mrs. Calton gave us piles of candy and we watched I Love Lucy. In second period, Ms. Jorgensen gave us suckers and we tried to solve logic problems. In third period, Mrs. Forbush gave us candy (in P.E.!) and let us talk. In fourth and fifth, Mrs. Bryant just didn't care. We were texting and had our iPods and were calling other kids. That's when she told us that our science test in my sixth period wouldn't count. So we stayed in her class for sixth and seventh period.
  This doesn't sound like fun, but it was amazing. All I did was talk to people. Mostly Matt, of course, but Steve, Andy, and Holly a lot too. We had a lot of fun, because someone got Mrs. Bryant's phone number and we kept calling her. Then we pushed her in one of those fancy office chairs down the long hallway as fast as we could. She screamed her lungs out.
  During lunch, Matt took a picture of me on his phone. It's awful, but that's how it always is. For some reason, that picture made me really happy. Maybe it was because I was laughing when he took it.
  Ummm...whenever Mr. Elggren came by, I pretended to hide, so now he thinks I hate him. I don't, I'm just scared of him.
  But the scariest moment? Matt and I were talking about my notebooks. THE notebooks. And in a moment of foolishness, I let him read one of my poems, called Frustration. I was scared, so half the time he read it I couldn't look at him and the other half I stared at his face to try to find some expression in it.
  The best moment? He told me how much he loved it, said it was better than Ellen Hopkins, which probably isn't true, but made me feel better. He told me I should write a book made of poems like that. I'm afraid he may be the only who would read it, but... he didn't ask any questions about it, either, which I love, because it said some mean things about, "the king of criticism and abuse." It wasn't that great, it just took a lot of studying to find the secrets, which is why I let him read that one instead of ones like Apathy where I talk about the whole divorce revenge and my mom cutting too many ties with people. But just knowing that Matt supports me in the thing I keep pretty much the most secret makes me feel really good.
  I still can't believe that someone read one of my poems. And that I actually let them. But I'm so glad I did, because I still smile whenever I think about it.

beautiful...

  Today was the most sad and beautiful day of my life...the last day of school. As I was thinking about it, I was so excited, going to scream, delirious, and I stayed that way for awhile before school started, even though it was really rainy.
  When I was waiting outside the classroom door where I would get my yearbook, I noticed that Matt hadn't come yet. He came at the last second, carrying a sack. He gave it to me, and I looked at it for a second, but I'll explain that later.
  We started signing yearbooks at about 8:30, and it was really fun. It was the spring fling, so there was plenty of food and stuff. I walked around to random people, just enjoying it, mainly with Matt right next to me. I was still carrying that sack, even though some of the stuff in it poked out the corners.
  Matt signed my yearbook, and even put his phone number in it.
  Finally it was a little before 10:00. Matt told me he was leaving, so I walked outside with him. We just said the word goodbye, nothing more. I started walking the long way when I saw what was probably a truancy officer, so I turned around and walked by the school where Matt and Michael were waiting for their ride. I yelled that there were cops, and began to walk away.
  Listening to Dashboard Confessional, I realized that I was leaving. Walking home in that huge field, I was sobbing, the rain mixing with my tears. I love Matt so much, and I don't know how I'll be able to deal with a whole summer without him. So I was thinking these things, sobbing, not caring how many puddles I stepped into, when I reached home. For some reason, I believed that if I didn't go inside it hadn't really happened yet, so I walked around the neighborhood crying. Finally I decided to come in, and I ran to my bedroom and started to cry again.
  That's when I opened the sack Matt had given me again. It had a pack of gum, a red pen, a green journal, and a purple notebook. I opened the journal, and a note fell out. It was the most beautiful thing ever, but I think if I type it I'll taint it somehow. It was so heartfelt, and I was crying and laughing and screaming, not caring whether Chase heard me.
  It was the most beautiful thing I have ever had, and I'll always keep it. Just yesterday I was thinking that I had nothing to remember Matt by, but now I realize that I have the whole world we created together. I have everything I ever need.
  P.S. In our yearbook, Matt and I are right across from each other. He's on the left page and I'm on the right, but still. When it's closed we're put together.

i'm in love...

  I was actually going to post this yesterday, but the website decided to close down for maintenance RIGHT before I posted it, and the whole thing got deleted. And it was lengthy. I was angry. So just pretend that this was posted on June 1st instead of June 2nd. *Entering the past now*
  Today I figured out that I'm completely in love with him. Matthew, that is. I was walking with him, and suddenly it hit me. I took a mental picture from the side so that I'll never forget the moment. He was wearing a white shirt with black sleeves and some light blue jeans. He was also looking down, as usual, since he's so gangly that nothing exactly is the way it should be. In that instant, knowing him, knowing that I cared about what happened to this kid, I knew I loved him.

I love how when he has to leave, he always says goodbye first.

I love the face he gets when we see each other in the halls. His eyebrows lift a bit, his eyes widen, and his mouth breaks out into a half smile before we even talk. Then he takes a big breath like he's diving into something.

I love the way he curls into his body when he reads or writes.

I love how he writes so neatly and how it's the tiniest thing I've ever seen.

I love how he makes weird faces at me just to make me smile.

I love how he's always trying to show off by trying to climb that goalpost.

I love how today after I told him that he'd never do it, he climbed the whole thing on the next try.

I love that when he was having a hard time getting down, even after I told him that he didn't have to do it, he told me that he knew it wasn't necessary, but that he wanted to do it anyway.

I love his innocence - every time he hears a bad word or sees some stupid kids being gross in the hall, he's shocked every time.

I love how he knows nothing about music - yesterday was the first time he had ever heard of the Beatles.

I love the face he gets when he finally understands something.

I love how he rarely wears shorts, and how his clothes rarely match.

I love how he's not afraid to tell me anything.

I love how he always listens, and never asks more than once for some information I really don't want to give.

I love how excited he gets when he teases me.

I love how he knows my secrets.

I love how he twirls his hair right next to the whorl whenever he's really concentrating.

I love how he says next to nothing when he's around people he can't stand - and the look he gives me that tells me we need to walk away.

I love how I could go on for hours, and still never cover all he is.

I love being with him.

*exit past*

  Ok, I know I'm crazy...but I really do love him with all that I am, even though that's really corny. Umm...moving on to what else I need to talk about.
  I took some tests online to confirm what I was already thinking. I'm obviously OCD, and I'm either depressed and manic, or bipolar.... which is the same thing. But that's ok, I seem to be working with it fairly well...so I hope I'll turn out just fine.
  Kelly and I walked to the Snowie today to have our first snowcone of the summer, which was pretty awesome.
  The highlight of today? We were watching Hailey for about four hours. She loves me, and she's at a really fun, now that she doesn't cry very much. We had tons of fun with her.
  I guess that's it for now.