since i've already written once today...

  I guess I'll write about yesterday which was a really awesome day. The second to last day is always sluff day, but I had a stupid science test that day. I was angry.
  In first period, Mrs. Calton gave us piles of candy and we watched I Love Lucy. In second period, Ms. Jorgensen gave us suckers and we tried to solve logic problems. In third period, Mrs. Forbush gave us candy (in P.E.!) and let us talk. In fourth and fifth, Mrs. Bryant just didn't care. We were texting and had our iPods and were calling other kids. That's when she told us that our science test in my sixth period wouldn't count. So we stayed in her class for sixth and seventh period.
  This doesn't sound like fun, but it was amazing. All I did was talk to people. Mostly Matt, of course, but Steve, Andy, and Holly a lot too. We had a lot of fun, because someone got Mrs. Bryant's phone number and we kept calling her. Then we pushed her in one of those fancy office chairs down the long hallway as fast as we could. She screamed her lungs out.
  During lunch, Matt took a picture of me on his phone. It's awful, but that's how it always is. For some reason, that picture made me really happy. Maybe it was because I was laughing when he took it.
  Ummm...whenever Mr. Elggren came by, I pretended to hide, so now he thinks I hate him. I don't, I'm just scared of him.
  But the scariest moment? Matt and I were talking about my notebooks. THE notebooks. And in a moment of foolishness, I let him read one of my poems, called Frustration. I was scared, so half the time he read it I couldn't look at him and the other half I stared at his face to try to find some expression in it.
  The best moment? He told me how much he loved it, said it was better than Ellen Hopkins, which probably isn't true, but made me feel better. He told me I should write a book made of poems like that. I'm afraid he may be the only who would read it, but... he didn't ask any questions about it, either, which I love, because it said some mean things about, "the king of criticism and abuse." It wasn't that great, it just took a lot of studying to find the secrets, which is why I let him read that one instead of ones like Apathy where I talk about the whole divorce revenge and my mom cutting too many ties with people. But just knowing that Matt supports me in the thing I keep pretty much the most secret makes me feel really good.
  I still can't believe that someone read one of my poems. And that I actually let them. But I'm so glad I did, because I still smile whenever I think about it.

beautiful...

  Today was the most sad and beautiful day of my life...the last day of school. As I was thinking about it, I was so excited, going to scream, delirious, and I stayed that way for awhile before school started, even though it was really rainy.
  When I was waiting outside the classroom door where I would get my yearbook, I noticed that Matt hadn't come yet. He came at the last second, carrying a sack. He gave it to me, and I looked at it for a second, but I'll explain that later.
  We started signing yearbooks at about 8:30, and it was really fun. It was the spring fling, so there was plenty of food and stuff. I walked around to random people, just enjoying it, mainly with Matt right next to me. I was still carrying that sack, even though some of the stuff in it poked out the corners.
  Matt signed my yearbook, and even put his phone number in it.
  Finally it was a little before 10:00. Matt told me he was leaving, so I walked outside with him. We just said the word goodbye, nothing more. I started walking the long way when I saw what was probably a truancy officer, so I turned around and walked by the school where Matt and Michael were waiting for their ride. I yelled that there were cops, and began to walk away.
  Listening to Dashboard Confessional, I realized that I was leaving. Walking home in that huge field, I was sobbing, the rain mixing with my tears. I love Matt so much, and I don't know how I'll be able to deal with a whole summer without him. So I was thinking these things, sobbing, not caring how many puddles I stepped into, when I reached home. For some reason, I believed that if I didn't go inside it hadn't really happened yet, so I walked around the neighborhood crying. Finally I decided to come in, and I ran to my bedroom and started to cry again.
  That's when I opened the sack Matt had given me again. It had a pack of gum, a red pen, a green journal, and a purple notebook. I opened the journal, and a note fell out. It was the most beautiful thing ever, but I think if I type it I'll taint it somehow. It was so heartfelt, and I was crying and laughing and screaming, not caring whether Chase heard me.
  It was the most beautiful thing I have ever had, and I'll always keep it. Just yesterday I was thinking that I had nothing to remember Matt by, but now I realize that I have the whole world we created together. I have everything I ever need.
  P.S. In our yearbook, Matt and I are right across from each other. He's on the left page and I'm on the right, but still. When it's closed we're put together.

i'm in love...

  I was actually going to post this yesterday, but the website decided to close down for maintenance RIGHT before I posted it, and the whole thing got deleted. And it was lengthy. I was angry. So just pretend that this was posted on June 1st instead of June 2nd. *Entering the past now*
  Today I figured out that I'm completely in love with him. Matthew, that is. I was walking with him, and suddenly it hit me. I took a mental picture from the side so that I'll never forget the moment. He was wearing a white shirt with black sleeves and some light blue jeans. He was also looking down, as usual, since he's so gangly that nothing exactly is the way it should be. In that instant, knowing him, knowing that I cared about what happened to this kid, I knew I loved him.

I love how when he has to leave, he always says goodbye first.

I love the face he gets when we see each other in the halls. His eyebrows lift a bit, his eyes widen, and his mouth breaks out into a half smile before we even talk. Then he takes a big breath like he's diving into something.

I love the way he curls into his body when he reads or writes.

I love how he writes so neatly and how it's the tiniest thing I've ever seen.

I love how he makes weird faces at me just to make me smile.

I love how he's always trying to show off by trying to climb that goalpost.

I love how today after I told him that he'd never do it, he climbed the whole thing on the next try.

I love that when he was having a hard time getting down, even after I told him that he didn't have to do it, he told me that he knew it wasn't necessary, but that he wanted to do it anyway.

I love his innocence - every time he hears a bad word or sees some stupid kids being gross in the hall, he's shocked every time.

I love how he knows nothing about music - yesterday was the first time he had ever heard of the Beatles.

I love the face he gets when he finally understands something.

I love how he rarely wears shorts, and how his clothes rarely match.

I love how he's not afraid to tell me anything.

I love how he always listens, and never asks more than once for some information I really don't want to give.

I love how excited he gets when he teases me.

I love how he knows my secrets.

I love how he twirls his hair right next to the whorl whenever he's really concentrating.

I love how he says next to nothing when he's around people he can't stand - and the look he gives me that tells me we need to walk away.

I love how I could go on for hours, and still never cover all he is.

I love being with him.

*exit past*

  Ok, I know I'm crazy...but I really do love him with all that I am, even though that's really corny. Umm...moving on to what else I need to talk about.
  I took some tests online to confirm what I was already thinking. I'm obviously OCD, and I'm either depressed and manic, or bipolar.... which is the same thing. But that's ok, I seem to be working with it fairly well...so I hope I'll turn out just fine.
  Kelly and I walked to the Snowie today to have our first snowcone of the summer, which was pretty awesome.
  The highlight of today? We were watching Hailey for about four hours. She loves me, and she's at a really fun, now that she doesn't cry very much. We had tons of fun with her.
  I guess that's it for now.

i'm scared

  Ok, I accidentally brought this on myself, but I'm really scared. I am becoming depressed again. It was caused by a book I'm reading, called Impulse by Ellen Hopkins. It's a poetry book about kids who tried to commit suicide. One of the characters, Vanessa, is pretty much me. She's smart, has my same hair color, eye color, crazy family deal, had an abortion. (I haven't had one, but that's a long story I don't want to talk about.) And she's a cutter. I don't cut, at least not at the moment, but instead I'm heavily into vein tracing.
  Vein tracing doesn't sound like a big deal, but for some reason, it is. All I do is grab a red pen and trace the veins on my arm. It doesn't give me a rush, but it calms me down and makes me feel a bit better. And my arms are red for days. But I'm pretty close to becoming completely addicted to it. I don't even know why this is addicting, but it is. And every time I do it, I'm getting closer to being a cutter.
  Back to the book. I've already read it once, and the girl turns out okay. She's diagnosed bipolar, which is how I feel, and she falls in love, which I'm on the verge of. I told myself I would be okay if she was, but I still feel like the guy who jumped off a cliff at the end of the book.
  I've been in depression really heavily before, but for some reason I'm more afraid of this bout. For some reason, I don't think I'll live through it this time. And if I do live, I don't think I'll come out of it very well.
  If there is a happier note after that, I do have a few okay things to talk about. The first is that Zeegan recommended me for peer mediation. That means I get out of class, which I can do easily, to help kids with their problems. It sounds like fun, and I'm actually excited for it.
  The other is that while I was writing another angry poem in my notebook, Mrs. Bryant said that I got the best score in all her classes on the Gates MacGinitie test. I guess that means that I'm remotely good at reading.
  Some other subjects...in math someone wrote on the board that I'm emo, and I made fun of Michael Savas for writing like a girl...we also did retardo puppet shows.
  Notice that I'm avoiding the subject of school. There's only four more days, which should be a happy thing. But I've been a lot less depressed in school until now, and that means that I won't see a certain someone for a whole summer. I think I'll die. Okay, I've done enough talking for today.

fun at school! (wow)

Ok, so school is actually pretty fun now. M and I have schedules that are rigged so that we can see each other between every class if we want to, and we usually do. I see him and talk to him a lot.

A surprisingly fun class is Music. I sit by Steve, who comes up with this awful British accent. I promised him that if he would stop it for three days, I would do my accent for him. Now Steve, Sterling, and Andy bug me all the time to hear it.
  
I guess the reason that I like school now, now that I only have to go back fourteen times, is that I'm having a lot more fun socially, like at the end of the school day. I already have my backpack, so I'll walk towards M's locker. We'll walk to his band class, out the door, and around to the front where his mom picks him up. Then I'll go back into school on the other side towards M's locker again and meet up with Sterling, Andy, and Steve. We'll flip around, and I'll either go home by the busses only sign or I'll flip back again and catch up with Tina, Amy, Brooke, or Juls.
  
At the beginning of the year, I had no friends. Now I have too many. It's fun, though, because it's almost like I get high off them. When I'm walking home I'm really happy because I feel like I've actually done something and had fun.

just a random Sunday

Ok, I know it's been a million years. Well, maybe only 2 months and 28 days. But that's still a long time.

I guess I should explain what's going on. I'm bitter towards my stepfather. Not normal bitter, either. It's like whenever he comes in the room I leave. This means I spend about half the time in my room in the basement. I may have grown another layer of skin for warmth. But anyway, I can tell it's driving him crazy. The annoying part is that he's blaming it on the fact that I'm a teenager. AARGH!!!!!!!!!

Ok, in other news...it's almost summer, so I'm getting to that resolution stage I always have. Let me explain. In my mind, I'm always going....I'll swim four times a week, lose fifteen pounds, bike three times a week, find a part time job, etc. Then I don't do any of it and am angry of myself so I overeat and gain more weight. Then winter comes and I tell myself that I'll just lose the weight in the summer, but don't dwell on it. Then I eat more.

My resolution stage is actually really good this time. Since Mom bought me brown board shorts so I'm not embarrassed about my mountainous thighs when I swim, I'm actually going to. I'm going to swim in the outdoor pool a lot, and the aforementioned stepfather is going to pull out an old bike for me. The biggest thing? I'm going to cut down on TV and actually get into a sleeping schedule. I know I'll be tons healthier if I do.

Also? The school year's ending. I have NO excuses to see M over the summer. He's not even in my stake. No contact all summer. Almost three months. I'm going to give him my e-mail address, but I don't he'll do anything about it. No contact? It'll suck. It'll force me to spend my summer on self-improvement.

I'm done venting.

lalalala

I am completely aware that I haven't written in forever. Oh well. Too bad.
 
My main news is that I definitely like M. Today he even told  me his middle name. M John. It's pretty awesome, and he's named after his dad. Tyron kidded around and pretended like Chase N was asking me out.

In Mr. Johnson's I was $7.50 in debt. It was pretty sad. In 4th and 5th Mrs. Bryant will probably change a bunch of people's seats, so hopefully she'll switch me with Samie so I'll be behind M. Science was okay, as usual.

I was depressed after school today. I guess it's the fact that not only Jordan and Colby kid around about me being pregnant, but now Sterling does too. Probably also the fact that I want to tell Matt about my depression age and Z. I really don't know how well those will go over.

I'm also sad that Kara's leaving in almost exactly two weeks. I'll miss her tons after she leaves.

I guess that's it for today.

j's bday july 16th, my name isn't lauren, weirdo blondie with glasses

Now that it's much later (april) i'll explain this. I was sitting in art when they announced j's half birthday. it turns out his birthday is july 16th.

so i was walking down the stairs at school on my way home when this girl came up to me.

She said, "hi, Lauren!" then she proceeded to have a whole conversation with me. i've never said my name on this blog, but it is NOT lauren. this girl didn't know me. it scared me a lot.

Now that it's later, i know that her name happens to be Karina. she's in my science class and looks exactly like our science teacher. ok, now i'm done.